Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Your Love - The one thing that keeps me alive
Do you know what it's like to be the last one in the line, left behind. It's alright we'll survive, the one thing that keeps us alive. No one can take away.
-Stage Fright Remedy
It's the end of the Promotional Examinations.
I believe that giving different circumstances, I would say the previous sentence with the word finally in the end. But not this time I guess, because the end has a two-pronged meaning.
Let's talk about myself first. Even if I so happy to scrap pass the Promos with say 2 Es and an AO pass, would I really be happy? I would think that the first of the many overwhelming feelings one would feel would be that of relief. But after relief, would there be true happiness? I seriously do not desire such results in my A level certificate in the following year. Certainly do not. And it's not like CJC has one heck of a standard amongst other schools. We're among the last few, except maybe for History, which we totally own in, but I always get owned by too.
Then it would be you.
I spent majority of today without you, and I was feeling really out of place and moody most of the time. Everywhere I went, I just wished for your presence. All I could do was to drop you messages every now and then, because maybe that way, I felt closer to you in a way. I don't like this feeling at all, because I know this feeling means your absence. Your absence is nothing less than a withdrawal symptom for you. I don't ever want you to leave me, or stay apart from me for a day, or even a few hours for that matter.
But again I don't know who I'm begging to for some of the wishes I have in my mind. To "God", whom I do not have faith in? Or to myself. Sometimes I feel that people's obligation and trust in God lies in their inability and weakness to control circumstances, and then they pray to the existence of a Divine Being for help and aid, for solace and comfort. But I just don't want to beg or pray to an existence I do not believe in. I refuse to. However, of late I find myself turning to him, secretly hoping for the well-wishes of God, if he exists. I take your make-a-wish-with-your-eyelashes thing damn seriously, really. Every single time I make a wish with it, I wish fucking hard - For the same thing.
Although saying anything wouldn't be of much use now, but hell, I still love to write. I mock myself for the certain weakness in my, contributing to my inability to be more than just a short span of inspiration, or what-not. As much as I want to help you get through this, I think it's being a little too selfish of myself to want to keep you with me. It's wrong, but again is it really wrong? I just want you to be here with me.
You really make me one hell of a happy guy too.
posted@9:49 PM